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Never lean too far over a cliff

Accidents, odd situations, and weird occurrences follow Ann Walton everywhere she goes. Whether she’s being tackled by a SWAT team and ending up in the hospital, almost drowning in the Class Five rapids of the Merced River, or wrestling a gas station thief for her $16 purse, her stories are 100% true and absolutely wild.

Ann uses her dark humor and unique perspective to look at life’s most ridiculous chaos and find the funny, showing you how to be adaptive and resilient even when the odds are stacked against you. If you can laugh at her mishaps, you can learn to laugh at your own.

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Screaming Teddy Bears

True Tales of Motherhood, Mischief, and Mayhem

What happens when a mother with a wicked sense of humor raises two children who couldn’t possibly be more different?
A son who grows into an Ivy League-caliber genius who somehow can’t make it through childhood without frequent trips to the emergency room. The daughter who possesses a supernatural talent for driving adults to the brink of insanity without anyone being able to explain exactly how she did it.
In Screaming Teddy Bears, Ann Walton invites readers into the wonderfully unpredictable world of raising a family where laughter becomes the ultimate survival tool. Rather than offering another list of parenting rules or expert advice, she shares the hilarious true stories that only real parents experience-the moments that are frustrating while they’re happening but become family legends for decades afterward.
With razor-sharp wit and a delightfully self-deprecating style, Walton recounts adventures involving impossible toddlers, public embarrassments, emergency room visits, practical jokes, awkward teenage years, misunderstood life lessons, and the countless unexpected moments that make raising children both exhausting and unforgettable.

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Frankfurt Book Fair 2026

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Reviews

“The veal debate alone is worth the price of the book. I was crying laughing at Dan interrogating his own mother about a cut of meat.”
Jennifer Hayes
Jennifer Hayes
“36 hours of labor and she still had the energy to yell at the woman next door for getting an epidural. This woman’s dark humor is a gift.”
Charlotte Bennett
Charlotte Bennett
“36 hours of labor and she still had the energy to yell at the woman next door for getting an epidural. This woman’s dark humor is a gift.”
Michelle Carter
Michelle Carter
“Not what I expected from a ‘motherhood memoir.’ Way funnier, way weirder, and the ink-in-the-bathtub WWII prank story had nothing to do with parenting and I loved it anyway.”
Oliver Thompson
Oliver Thompson
“Carl’s red hair entrance scene is a whole short film. ‘Yeah, he’s ours’ had me wheezing on the train.”
Emma Whitfield
Emma Whitfield
“This reads like your funniest friend telling you stories at 11pm, three glasses of wine in. The crib-escape chapter is chef’s kiss.”
Amanda Reyes
Amanda Reyes
“Ann Walton doesn’t sugarcoat parenting, she weaponizes it for comedy, and it works. The hiccup ‘CODE RED’ scene is exactly the chaos every new dad brings to a hospital.”
James Sullivan
James Sullivan
“Four stars. Laughed out loud more than once, especially at the bouncing baby doctor visit. Docked a star only because I wanted more Amy stories.”
Sophie Harrington
Sophie Harrington
“Loved how she traces her own dark humor straight back to her father. That WWII bathtub prank story is an instant classic.”
Rebecca Moore
Rebecca Moore
“Loved how she traces her own dark humor straight back to her father. That WWII bathtub prank story is an instant classic.”
Rebecca Moore
Rebecca Moore
“I did not expect a book about motherhood to include a full monologue inventing a fake animal called ‘veal’ to torture her husband, but here we are, and I’m better for it.”
Thomas Pemberton
Thomas Pemberton
“Short chapters, big laughs. Perfect for reading in the school pickup line while pretending you’re not crying-laughing at ‘Is Brat-hood Hereditary.’“
Kimberly Adams
Kimberly Adams
“The bit where the nurse yells BOO at a hiccupping newborn to prove it’s not dying, while Dan is losing his mind in the hallway, is peak new-parent chaos and painfully accurate.”
Daniel Fletcher
Daniel Fletcher
Ann writes like she’s still a little delighted by her own kids’ nonsense, even decades later. Amy unhooking her own crib mattress like a tiny Navy SEAL is a top-tier baby story.”
Lucy Ashworth
Lucy Ashworth
“This isn’t a gentle, wholesome parenting book, it’s a woman who inherited a prank gene from her dad and passed it straight to her kids. I respect the chaos.”
Christopher Diaz
Christopher Diaz
“Five stars for the crane story. Weeks of gaslighting her husband over a bird on the highway is the most unhinged, loyal marriage content I’ve ever read.”
Hannah Clarke
Hannah Clarke
The stranger at the hospital nursery getting roasted by his own comment about ‘that red-haired baby’ and Ann just owning it deadpan is one of the funniest exchanges in the book.”
Matthew Kowalski
Matthew Kowalski
“Read the veal chapter to my book club and we were all in tears. Ann’s timing is genuinely comedic-writer level.”
Isabella Foster
Isabella Foster
“Three stars, honestly, only because some of the transitions between stories felt a little loose. But story for story? Hilarious, and the labor scenes are brutally honest.”
George Whitmore
George Whitmore
“Ann’s dad sounds like an absolute menace and I want to read a whole book just about him. The stinky-guy-in-the-bathtub story is unforgettable.”
Patricia Nguyen
Patricia Nguyen
“This felt less like reading a memoir and more like getting fifteen years of family folklore dumped on me in the best way. The crane story is going to live in my head forever.”
Alfie Robinson
Alfie Robinson
“The insurance agent Marty story is the funniest emergency room scene I’ve ever read. Who’s the patient? Both, had me howling.”
Nicole Bradley
Nicole Bradley
Ann faints at blood and somehow still raised two accident-prone kids. The bit where Carl coaches HER through his own stitches is priceless.”
Henry Osborne
Henry Osborne
“The Disneyland prank chapter is so sneaky and sweet at the same time. ‘Lie to your kids, but only if it ends in churros’ should be on a mug.”
Ashley Peterson
Ashley Peterson
“Five stars just for the jury duty escape. Weaponizing her own kids in a courthouse line is genuinely the smartest parenting hack I’ve ever read.”
William Hargreaves
William Hargreaves
“Ann’s honesty about fainting at the sight of blood while raising two accident magnets is relatable to anyone who’s ever felt wildly unqualified for parenting.”
Derek Sanchez
Derek Sanchez
“The Disneyland reveal made me tear up a little, not gonna lie. Sneaky mom moves that end in magic are the best kind.”
Amelia Northcott
Amelia Northcott
“I did not expect a chapter about ice cream to be this devious. Years of gaslighting her own kids about chocolate flavor availability is chef’s kiss villain energy.”
Sean Wallace
Sean Wallace
“This is the kind of book you end up reading passages of out loud to whoever’s in the room with you. Now my husband knows Uncle Ted even without reading the book.”
Lily Beaumont
Lily Beaumont
“Genuinely laughed until I had to put the book down during the courthouse scene.”
Corey Jennings
Corey Jennings
“Ann Walton has a gift for turning ordinary parenting disasters into full comedic set pieces. Every chapter feels like a mini stand-up bit.”
Phoebe Langley
Phoebe Langley
“Picked this up expecting a light, cute parenting memoir. Got a woman who runs psychological warfare on toddlers and insurance agents alike. No regrets.”
Adam Reynolds
Adam Reynolds